Please note: If you like the content on this page, many of the pieces on this site have been edited, updated, merged, consolidated, or entirely rewritten (as necessary) for inclusion into my new book series (which also features entirely new content).
Excerpt from: my book series
A lie is still a lie even when you use it to comfort someone. Tell the truth, even if it hurts.
This has nothing to do with deliberately hurting someone or offering unsolicited feedback. This is about being honest & telling the truth in the course of a conversation and relationship.
If you have a problem with “Tell the truth, even if it hurts”, then know that what you’re essentially saying is that it’s okay for people to lie to you, as long as the lie appeals to your ego and sense of worth.
If you want to build a relationship based on false beliefs and miscommunication, then lying to a person because it makes them feel better — or makes you feel better about yourself — is an excellent way to accomplish this.
Not only is this not an open or honest way to communicate, it is one of the reasons why so many friendships and marriages fail. Because rather than truly address and resolve issues, friends or couples choose to cover them up with “little white lies.”
- 1. a person who tells lies.
Note how it doesn’t say anything about the size of the lie or whether it makes someone feel better.
“But they can’t handle the truth!”
Right. So catering to someone’s weakness and lying becomes acceptable? Is this how you would want someone to treat you in the same situation? You would prefer that they fill your head with a lie rather than tell you the truth? And you think that’s what real friends do?
Real friendships are built on honesty and trust.
Real friends don’t have to agree on everything or like all the same things to get along. Real friends will give each other shit and it doesn’t matter. Why? Because of trust.
Real friends are not afraid of talking to each other when something is wrong. Real friends know that they can always count on each other when it matters (it always matters).
Real friendship doesn’t involve appealing to the other person’s weaknesses or ego by lying.
Yes, there is a time and a place for all conversations. And no, not saying anything is not the same thing as blatantly lying, but not saying something or leaving out details (the whole truth) can be a form of lying.
Sometimes the answer to improving relationships isn’t to talk more or pretend to be more interested. Sometimes it’s simply to be truly honest and open.
- Strength from discomfort
- A lie is still a lie even when you use it to comfort someone.
- An honest enemy is better than a false friend
- Relations & relationships
- You are who you choose to be.
- You are not a book (and why that matters)
- Offsite: Unless you know who you are, you will always be vulnerable to what people say
A) “What do you think about my [horrid] outfit?”
It’s not really my cup of tea, but if you like it, that’s all that really matters…
B) “Do you think this shirt makes me look fat?”
I think there are other outfits that might look better on you…
C) “Don’t you just love this new thing I got?”
I can’t say I love it like you do, but I’m glad it makes you happy.
D) “Do you love me?”
*yawn* Oh gosh, look at the time… hey, is that a giant mutant radioactive squirrel in the yard!? O_O
See. You don’t have to lie.
I’m not saying these are the best responses, but if you are truly friends with someone, there is nothing in these statements that should be considered offensive while getting the point across without lying.
But what’s even better is if you have a relationship where you can say:
A) Gawd, that outfit is ghastly.
B) You look like an elephant, but I still love you.
C) I have no idea why you bought that, but hey, we all have our things.
D) Naw, I don’t love you, I’m just here cause you have cable.
Because if you can get away with that, you probably have yourself a real friend.